Day Forty Two

Days Without a Cigarette: 41.89375
Days Without Nicotine: 0
Dollars Saved: $101.81
Time Saved: 59 hours, 21 minutes

I still take cigarette breaks and I have no intention of giving that up. The way I figure it, if I could carve ten minutes out of every ninety to give myself cancer six weeks ago, pretty much anything I piss eleven percent of my time away on is a step up. Plus, I don’t want to create an unnecessary downside, so why punish myself for quitting with a more demanding work schedule?

Of course, I haven’t quite figured out what to do with that time yet. I’ve been playing Super Hot VR quite a bit, but I find that sucks me in way longer than the ten minutes I’m looking for. My wife bought be an ocarina for Christmas and that struck me as a perfect oral fixation substitute, so I’ve practiced that on a few of those breaks, but I find that ten minutes is either too long or too short a time to fuck with that. But luckily I’ve got plenty of hobbies to choose from.

When I was soliciting advice before this endeavor started, a lot of people emphasized the importance of rewarding oneself along the way. And as logical as that seems, it didn’t seem particularly applicable, as I deny myself literally nothing I both want and could theoretically obtain. I have no self control, so if I ever want something bad for me, I just have that thing. It’s hard to reward yourself when you’re an unapologetic glutton. In fact, the only thing that I want and can’t have is a goddamn cigarette, and I can’t exactly reward myself with one of those.

But what I’ve found is that the simple decrease in guilt has allowed my gluttony to become rewarding. I eat something unhealthy and rather than think “wow, I should not be eating doughnuts for breakfast and lunch again this week”, I think “wow, this is so much healthier than smoking.” Rather than thinking “wow, I really need to get back to work or I’ll still be hammering away at this script at one in the morning”, I think “wow, this game of Space Invaders is so much more fun that standing out in the near freezing wind and seeing how quick I can suck down a cigarette without the cherry falling off of it.” I used to think “Man, I really shouldn’t buy two games in the same month” and now I get to glance over at the latest blog entry and see how much money I haven’t spent on cigarettes.

I mean, I get that ultimately I’m just making excuses for being a ten year old with a paycheck, but even that is so much more forgivable a vice than smoking. And, of course, anytime all of that shit doesn’t feel like enough of a reward, I reflect on the fact that I probably get to be ten years old a little longer now.